018 - On letting go of self-imposed obligations. And some other notes.

Welcome or welcome back!

Years ago, I wrote to a friend about a change I was going to make to my daily blog, 300wordsaday.com. I said to her, “If it were up to me, I would make this change.”

She said, “It is up to you. It’s your project.”

I made the change.

And sometimes, I remember the principle.

Many of us spend time and energy on expectations we created for ourselves. And we think that because we set a standard like publishing almost every day (and we baked it into the title of the blog), people will be mad or disappointed if we don’t live up to that expectation.

We take that burden of self-expectation into offering support to people in hard times. We think, some of us, that we should send long notes AND drive to be with people AND fix casseroles AND offer exactly the right words AND do this for everyone we know who experiences a loss.

If we don’t, we think, we’re failing.

Here’s what’s not helpful with that line of thinking.

1.      Not everyone fixes good casseroles.

2.      We aren’t capable of being everything to everyone.

3.      As Anne Lamott writes, “Help is the sunny side of control.”

4.      Or, of feeding our sense of significance or our sense of meaning.

So do what you can. Rather than doing what will help you, do what the person you are helping will find helpful. Including, if they request it, nothing.

And join me in reviewing and adjusting the obligations we create for ourselves.

(Here’s the change I made for my daily blog for June 2023.)

+++

Resources for your reflection.

This week, I read this article about the history and efficacy of CPR. My experiences are consistent with the data and stories they share. It’s a difficult and important read.

 CPR's true survival rate is lower than many people think : Shots - Health News : NPR

+++

From a conversation with a couple grieving the loss of child before birth:

“And here's something that I realized a while back. When a 90-year-old dies, we tell stories about what has happened. When a 24-week gestation child dies, there are no stories in the past, BUT there are many stories that had started to be written. You two had started to individually and together write stories about what you would do and who you would be and who she would be. And those stories are just as real, just as mind and heart forming as the ones the 90-year-old lived. 

So you are starting to grieve stories that aren't going to be finished. And that is real and that is hard. “

+++

“It’s okay to be okay.”

I’m starting to say that to myself and to Nancy.

+++

If you are new here, “Finding Words in Hard Times” is a newsletter with stories and tools to help you be more comfortable as you help others in hard times.

Thanks for coming along.

Revisit the archives.

See you next week.

Jon