043 On remembering feelings (and finding the good ones)

And next week? A Christmas party!

Welcome back (or welcome!)

This week, I’ve got a note about the rest of the month, two questions, a story, and a tool.

Finding words for the rest of the year

Next week, we’re having a Christmas party! I’ll have some gifts, a recipe (so you can make your own food), some music.

Then, I’m taking off writing for December 21 and 28. It’s been a full year of words and I need to give us both a break.

Two questions for you to help me help you.

• If you’ve read This is Hard, how has it been helpful? (I’m working on a series of podcast episodes.)

• If there’s an issue of this newsletter that you remember in particular, which one? (I’m working on a collection of helpful essays.)

You can comment or you can email me at jon.swanson@socialmediachaplain.com

A reflection on remembering feelings

The first time I heard Bach’s Mass in B Minor was during finals week. Our campus radio station had to stay on the air during the day. I was the only (volunteer) staff member who lived in the area. And I could play each of the three vinyl records (two sides) and study while it played.

Of course, my college GPA is evidence that I didn’t study much. And I remember the feeling of everyone heading home and me staying faithfully behind.

That experience was more than forty-five years ago. And I still remember that bit of melancholy.

I thought about it this week as I was finishing up grades for the course I’ve been teaching and listening to Handel’s Messiah. I can play each of the three vinyl records (two sides) and read and respond to the good work of these learners. (They clearly are much better students than I was.)

Some of us remember facts and faces and details of events. Some of us remember our feelings at the time of those events. Given the research into eyewitness accounts that suggests we don’t remember facts very well, it’s possible that those of us who remember feelings are better rememberers.

But that doesn’t mean that our feelings were based on what was actually going on.

For all my memory of feeling melancholy, I was working because I had volunteered. I was trying to get connected to the station. I wasn’t going to study anyway.

It’s not helpful for anyone listening to my story to say, “Poor Jon” or “Look how diligent you were.” It may be helpful for someone listening to my story to say, “Jon remembers feelings” or “Jon may be a melancholy kind of person.”

Or, it may be helpful to say, “Letting a college student listen to the Mass in B Minor during finals week in the basement studio of a college radio station in mid-December in Illinois may not be helpful.”

I am a huge fan of feelings. I am constantly giving people permission to weep when standing by the bed of a loved one, or when hearing a terminal diagnosis. I’m learning how to laugh with delight when Hope (daughter) sends pictures of Ben (grandson).

I’m also aware of the value of asking those feelings, “Where did you come from?” The answers may help me.

On choosing which feelings to remember.

In September, I told you about this idea. It’s the starting point in Jon Acuff’s newest book, All It Takes is A Goal. He suggests writing down things that have been best moments in the last days or weeks or years. Not biggest or most lucrative, not hours or presentations. Best moments.

I had a group of college students try this exercise:

Make a list of 10 best moments.

It’s a project from Jon Acuff, in his new book, All it Takes is a Goal.

And it's very simple.

1. Write "best moments" somewhere, On a piece of paper. On a blank journal page. On a note in "notes" on your phone. On a blank page at the back of the Prayer in The Night book. 

2. Write things down that are best moments from the past five years. 

They can be big things. "Seeing our grandson for the first time."

They can be little things. "Making a fresh cup of AeroPress coffee."

They can be one-time things. "Finishing my dissertation."

They can be everyday things. "Getting my desk cleared off."

As Acuff says, "everything counts."

The students in my class found this exercise very helpful.

You might too.

+++

As always, thanks for reading and commenting and sharing and supporting this work.

Have some good in your month.

Jon