044 A Christmas party across time and geography.

Welcome back (or Welcome!)

I’m so grateful for you! I started this newsletter in February, 2023, as a way to make myself think and write about helping us find words (and silence and support) in hard times. You’ve asked questions and offered suggestions and told me stories and sent support.

It turns out that these weekly interactions are helpful to us both.

I decided to throw a holiday party for this last issue of the year. (I’m giving us all two weeks off.)

For me, it’s the perfect party. We don’t have to be in the same space. We don’t have to do a gift exchange. We get to listen to the perfect music. 

It’s not that I don’t like visiting with people. It’s that a party setting, with noise and lots of people, doesn’t fit well with the kind of conversations I like to have.

And it’s not that I don’t like gifts, giving and receiving. It’s that I don’t like people ending up with gifts that have a dollar value without a meaning value.

(That’s why, by the way, we like to take Nancy’s pies to gift exchanges. The dollar value of the ingredients is always on the low side of the parameters. But the meaning value (and the taste) of a sugar cream or apple pie is invaluable).)

And I can listen to my old vinyl recording of Handel’s Messiah while I write, and you can listen to your music while you read, and we can smile at (and about) each other.

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Gift giving in a scattered era.

It’s Sunday. I’m sitting in the background at an independent living facility. Nancy is playing the piano for a group singing Christmas music.  

And I’m thinking about what I wish I could give you as Christmas gifts. 

For a couple of you, I’d love to give one more conversation with your loved one. 

For others of you, I’d love to give relief from the loops in your thinking,

For others, I want to offer an exemption from the fear of failing at Christmas.

I’d love to give you what you need. But I’ve never been great at figuring out gifts and wrapping.

Except for these.

• I know that I can sometimes take a way of looking at things that’s different. I can wrap it into some words, and it arrives at a perfect time in the uncertainty of someone. So when you are reading this, go ahead and have that conversation with the one you miss so much. And you, I hereby declare you a Christmas success.

• I know that sometimes Nancy can take apples and cinnamon and sugar and flour and time and it comes out as a pie. And love. Because pie can be love. (As our friend Clay learned even in high school.)

• I know that sometimes Hope can take a photograph of Ben and send it to me as a text that arrives as I’m walking back to the office from devastating conversations, and it is perfect. So send pictures (or annoying Instagram stories) to people you know will laugh.

• I know that sometimes Andrew orders a package that has the picture I’ve looked at and chosen not to get for myself. So listen to what people actually say they’d love more than you listen to retailers say they want to sell. For example. Helping move stuff out of an attic, Or meeting for coffee. Or whatever you just thought of.

• I know that I have a friend who listens closely to questions about things like how Aeropress coffee makers work, and then might give you one.

• I know I have a friend who regularly reminds me that there is good and there is trust and there can be faithful laughter into your 80s. (Thank you, Walt).

Each of these gifts can happen at a distance, can happen with minimal financial expense, takes time. So I give you permission to do any or none of these (and for it to be fine), and I give you permission to do any of them in March rather than December.

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My gifts to you

1. Here’s a video introduction to the podcast project I’m starting in January. It’s called “Finding Words in Hard Times: the podcast”. It will be available on YouTube podcasts (video) AND all the other places for podcasts (audio). At least that’s the plan now. I’ll keep you posted. And tell me what you think after you watch the intro.

2. Here’s a list of books I’ve read this year. I never say, “You should read these.” But they are books that I found helpful for one reason or another.

3. Here are the handouts we’ve shared this year. 

• Creating space for someone to talk about a loved one. A PDF handout

• 31 ways to offer support other than sending flowers. A PDF handout

• How to write a note to a grieving friend A PDF handout

• 10 books to help you help people in illness and loss. – Being Helpful in Loss

• A set of suggestions for what to say and do when your best connection is social media. (download it) A PDF handout

• This is hard: What I say when loved ones die (A book)

• Giving A Life Meaning: How to Lead Funerals, Memorial Services, and Celebrations of Life (A book)

• Nicodemus 2023 (A eulogy for Jesus that Nicodemus might have given on Friday night)

• How to write a eulogy

• You can download seven suggestions for navigating holiday grief.

4. I was going to say, “Here’s a set of 12 helpful essays from this year. It’s an e-book to read and share. It’s a PDF to print on 81/2 x 11, or to read on a screen.” But then I thought, “Does anyone want that or do they want to wait until I build a collection of more writings from this year.” And so, rather than doing all the editing of the PDF, I’m asking you. Do you want a short PDF or do you want to wait for the print version? Leave a comment.

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And that’s it!

You can stick around the party as long as you want.

I’ll see you again in January.

Jon