047 - On practicing to be helpful.

9 helpful phrases, a new podcast, and more.

Welcome back! (Or welcome!)

I’m grateful for taking a couple weeks off from writing here and at 300wordsaday.com. And I’m grateful to be back.

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I read a lot about goals and habits. And I pay attention to people who want to do and be better. (People like you.) As a result, the last couple weeks have been a bit overwhelming with all the reviews and resolutions, the summaries and inventories and commitments, the lists of the bests and the lists of the questions to guide us.

Each of those projects is interesting or inspiring. All together, it’s a disaster film, where we know the train of good intention is about to smash into disease, distraction, and death.

Said more simply, it’s a new year. It’s fine to be optimistic and to make plans. But experience tells us tough things will happen.

I met a woman in the ER on Monday, outside her mom’s room. She said, “Happy New Year” with that resigned tone of voice that knows it won’t be. It hasn’t been.

And yet.

We can find ways to prepare to be helpful when the crash happens, when the moment is hard. I can offer you some things to practice saying out loud. So that when we need them, we can say the words. Think of these as habits of verbal helpfulness.

9 helpful phrases to practice saying to yourself and others for hard times.

1. “This is hard.”

I know. It’s the book. But this phrase helps us be honest about the situation.

2. “This is what you do.”

I’m a self-talk addict. And I’m not as good as Jon Acuff at working on the soundtracks in my head.

One day this fall I was looking at some challenges ahead in my hospital shift. I was getting anxious. I thought about that thing we say to cheer people up. “You can do this.” But I didn’t need to be encouraged about what I could do. I needed to be reminded of what I do. All the time. Every shift we have hard conversations, we navigate difficult things. Because this is what we do.

So I said it to myself. It was head and heart clearing.

3. “I’m here.”

This one works best when you make eye contact as you are saying it. Which means that you have to be here.

4. “Would you help me?”

It’s hard for some of us to ask for help. We offer it, but we can’t ask for it.

So practice.

“Would you help me with this one thing.”

“Would you help me by doing this one thing.”

I did this for starting the podcast, by the way. I reached out to Andy Lehman, who I’ve met through his podcasting, and talked through what I was doing. He was very helpful.

5. “Thank you.”

I talked about this being part of conversations where I work. We say, at the end of conversations, “Thank you.” It’s helpful.

6. “I love you.”

This is for the people you are contractually bound to say it to. And to people who aren’t. My friend Jim died a couple years ago. Before he died, he started saying, “I love you” when we parted. I think, if I remember correctly, he hadn’t heard it much growing up. And he decided to change that.

I’m working on this with a couple of my friends. You can, too.

7. “It’s good to see you.”

This phrase, with eye contact, and a smile, changes things.

8. “Have some good in your day.” or “Have some happy in your year.”

I’ve written about this elsewhere (“May you have some merry in your Christmas”) About figuring out what to say to people who literally aren’t likely to have a good day when they say, “Have a good day.” I think that this is it.

9. “I refuse the temptation to top your story.”

Actually, this isn’t something to say to someone else. It’s something to tell yourself. Many of us try to top someone else’s story. Or we talk about how our story turned out after being harder. Don’t do that.

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My new podcast starts January 18, but you can watch, or listen to the trailer now.

Finding Words in Hard Times - the podcast on Youtube

Finding Words in Hard Times - the podcast on Apple

Finding Words in Hard Times - the podcast website home

My friend Rob Hatch joins me on the second episode.

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Last year, I started using buymeacoffee.com for people who want to provide some support for the writing I provide in various places. (I’m grateful for the support people have provided for years through others means, like paypal.)

I like the buy me a coffee idea, and I like the way I can provide updates for supporters. I decided to share those updates here, too, for those of you who use other means. The buymeacoffee.com posts for supporters. And thank you all.

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See you next week.

Jon