056 - Helpful responses to the frustrations of grief support.

But their story may not be your story.

Welcome back! (Or welcome!)

I’m committed to providing stories and tools to help you be more comfortable as you help others in hard times. This week, some stories about what other people have done, and some perspective.

Responses to lack of bereavement support

Last weekend, Joyal Mulheron, the founder of Evermore, gave a “A Brief But Spectacular take on the importance of bereavement care” on the PBS Newshour.

After working in public policy research about health, Joyal’s personal experiences of grief made her say, “we’re not taking bereavement seriously.” And she started an organization that is working to bring public policy awareness to the cost of grief. Not just the financial cost, but the cost in lives and everything else.

“Evermore is a national nonpartisan nonprofit dedicated to improving the lives of bereaved children and families.”

Understanding bereavement support as a public health concern has been evident in research in other countries, but I’ve not seen it here. So I was glad to see this organization.

It was a reminder of the number of people who, following the loss of their loved one, decide that things don’t have to be this way.

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Delany and Marc Baumann walked through the death of their daughter, Rowan Joy. They discovered that many families do not have the financial resources or information about next steps in time of infant loss. In response, they started Remembering Rowan.

“Remembering Rowan is a 501(c)(3) non-profit organization that exists to serve bereaved families in Indiana that have experienced a miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss by providing financial assistance with funeral costs and medical expenses.”

We’ve been supporters. And I’m grateful that when I walk into a room with a family for my conversations as a chaplain, I can point to an organization committed to supporting families.

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In Iowa, Danielle and Tyler Franck walked through the death of their son, Tanner Franck. They discovered that healthcare staff and institutions aren’t consistently trained and supported to provide support. So they founded Loving Tanner.

“Loving Tanner is a 501(c)3 charitable, non-profit that exists to support and advocate for families suffering pregnancy and infant loss. We work to educate the public and break the stigma associated with pregnancy and infant loss. Our organization is part of the initiative to have a Cuddle Cot placed in every hospital. ​We offer care boxes, peer support, certificates of life, and remembrance items all free of charge.”

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When Erin Farragh died in 1989, just short of her sixth birthday, family friends realized that there wasn’t support for the grief of her siblings. So they founded Erin’s House for Grieving Children

“Erin's House provides support for children, teens, and their families who have experienced a death.”

They have a facility people can come to, support groups, support materials.

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In 2023, the Sapphire Theatre Company in Indianapolis created an interactive theatre program called Facing Grief: Nourishing loved ones through loss. It was part of an annual arts festival in Indianapolis.

“Many of us don’t know what to say or do when a loved one experiences profound grief. Through live theatrical enactments of various scenarios, audiences are invited to practice reacting to loss and supporting those they love.”

I was privileged to be a resource for the development of the program, which was led by Andrea Lott Haney, the program director for Sapphire. Her leadership was informed by her theatre training and her own experience of her husbands’ deaths.

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Not every grieving person starts an organization. Nor should they. But grieving people all understand not being seen or heard or understood.

Each of these organizations or programs has emerged because of frustration with the lack of support and information and conversation about bereavement. In all of these places, someone was already creative and problem-solving and justice-oriented. And then something happened, and they didn’t want other people to have to go through what they went through.

Here’s why I’m highlighting these responses.

1. I wanted you to know about these resources.

2. I wanted to give permission to not start an organization. Some of us are not managers or writers or nurse practitioners or social entrepreneurs. After our daughter Kathryn died, Nancy and I sponsored a scholarship in her name for a couple years.

3. I wanted to remind us of the horror of the response of “isn’t that nice. She turned her grief into something useful.” As there is a cost-benefit calculation that can be applied to the death of a loved one.

4. I particularly want to warn thoughtfully thoughtless people that offering the stories of any of these organizations to someone in the hours (or days or even weeks) of a death as a way to say, “At least you can help someone with your story”: if you say this, I give them permission to punch you.

5. However, if your experience (good or bad) gives you understanding to offer focused, helpful support to others, then bless you.

6. And consider these in the context of the dual process model of bereavement support.

7. And each of us, when at the point of looking for ways to help, can look for existing organizations and volunteer or give or share.

8. And me? I do this.

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The podcast is back with a shorter episode about why it’s hard to think in times of grief.

Check out 106 - It's okay that you can't think right now. at Finding Words in Hard Times - the podcast. On YouTube and Apple Podcasts.

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Thanks for reading. And caring. And supporting.

See you next week.

Jon