063 - This is hard, three years later.
What I still say when loved ones die.
Welcome back (or welcome)!
You and I want to be as helpful as we can when talking to people after the death of a loved one. Finding words is hard, finding the most helpful words is harder still.
There aren’t perfect words, of course. It's a hard situation.
But there are some words that can be helpful.
On April 24, 2021, I published my tenth book, a little more than a booklet, called This is Hard: What I Say When Loved Ones Die. Three years later, I’m still finding it helpful for myself and for others.
This week, we’ll talk about the book.
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Giving people a vocabulary for the most difficult time.
I published This is Hard: What I Say When Loved Ones Die in the middle of our hardest season of deaths at our hospital. It had been tested in conversations for my first five years of being a chaplain. It’s not the perfect book or the longest book. But it is, I think, helpful.
The goal was to give others a vocabulary for difficult conversations. Sometimes the book gives helpers things to say. Sometimes the book itself IS the thing to say.
The chapters include simple statements like,
“This is hard.”
“A minute at a time may be all you can do.”
“You don’t have to know every answer right now.”
And the back of the book has journaling space with prompts like
What do you want to remember a year from now?
What do you want to never forget?
What is your last best memory?
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People talk about finding “this is hard” helpful to say.
From what I hear, these words are simple enough and pointed enough and permission granting enough to be helpful.
Here are some of the reviews that have been left at Amazon:
“This book gives voice with simplicity to the reality of a life completely changed, our own, when death takes someone from us.”
“Whether you are grieving the loss of a loved one, or trying to support a friend through a difficult time, this short book is a helpful tool for navigating through the confusion of loss.”
“This is a quick read with some helpful ideas for someone grieving or someone who has someone grieving in their life. It also has a list of other resources if you want/need to go deeper.”
“Succinct yet helpful. This small book helps those experiencing grief and those walking alongside a person suffering the loss of a loved one.”
“This small book by pastor Jon Swanson helps you to navigate grief. Through short conversational responses and thoughts, you encounter the wisdom of a professional who has helped many people through this difficult process. The title of the book "This Is Hard" says it all. Not all of the chapters applied to me, but this book gave me the chance to breathe, reflect, and to recognize that everyone's path through difficult times is different, but that I will get through it with God's help and the help of those around me.”
I know that it’s been shared with formal grief support groups and in informal gatherings with friends. It’s included in grief packets given by chaplains to family members following a death. It’s been mailed to friends, ordered for grieving families, handed to physicians in training. It’s been ordered for the families of grieving children.
Every time I hear that someone is helping someone else, I’m so grateful for those hands that are passing these words on, accompanied by love and compassion.
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As I celebrate this anniversary, I’ve got some requests:
If you’ve read it, please review it.
If you’ve got a story, share it with me and others.
If you haven’t gotten around to looking at it, buy a copy. (you can even get the kindle for .99)
If it’s been helpful, buy a copy to share.
If you are part of a group or organization that needs resources, give them a copy.
If you want bulk copies, order 20 for $100.
Here’s why I’m comfortable suggesting these things. Because I say these things all the time as I’m talking with families whose loved one died.
I know it’s helpful for me, a couple times every week.
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A note on self-publishing, or “if you wait, it may not happen.”
I’m not good at setting goals. When I published This is Hard: What I Say When Loved Ones Die, I didn’t know what to expect. I wanted to have something that I could hand to people. And I wanted to give people space for journaling some of the things they walk through.
At the time, I was reading stuff about goals and dreams and all. As I thought about the book, I thought, “What if there are 10,000 copies of this someday?”
But that was a wild thought, mostly. Most of my books are in the 300-500 copy range.
Last month, I did some counting and discovered that through various means, there are more than 7,000 copies in print.
For a self-published book, that’s a bunch. When we think of the grieving people that represents, that’s gratifying and sad and humbling.
If I had waited for a real publisher, if I had waited to write a chapter book, if I had waited, there are families that may have had an even harder time.
I have helped people self-publish books, but it’s not a responsibility I want to take on. (I’ve written about my journey, which is enough.)
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Thanks for being part of this journey. And for the encouragement and support.
Jon