070 - What bereaved people say they would like.

At least what people in the UK said.

Welcome back (or welcome)!

I’m giving myself a break this summer. I’m not posting at 300wordsaday for a few weeks. I’m only writing this newsletter twice a month. I’m winding down some teaching.

I’m not sure it’s helping.

I’m not sure whether I’m getting rested or thinking more clearly or being less cranky (which was one of my cautionary notes).

It’s possible that I’m confusing publishing with writing. Taking a break from publishing is not the same as taking a break from writing, particularly when writing is how I figure out what I’m thinking.

So I am starting to do a little more writing. Not for you, necessarily, but for me. And I going back to running more consistently. Not fast, not far. But over the years I’ve been running (starting in 2011, I think), people have asked if I like it, if I find it helpful.

I’ve never liked running, not in the way I like coffee or a good nap or a good sentence. But I knew it was the easiest way for me to get some exercise. And it’s cheaper than a bicycle. I can listen to podcasts, too. And those conversations are invaluable.

I think that running probably helps me think better, in ways I can’t identify. Maybe it’s the movement, the simple sense of completion, the podcasts, the air.

Running, writing, a little reading, and finishing projects. (Like a toddler bed for our grandson). But still not as much publishing.

I just thought I’d let you know

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What would bereaved people find helpful? A UK report.

In the last issue, I talked about my growing concern about consistent care for grieving people. Evidence-based, community-wide, thoughtful, enduring support. We were looking at a family standing outside the hospital after the death of a family member.

That family is long gone, of course, but in the intervening weeks, there have been others that have taken their place. Families who have lost sons and spouses. Friends who have lost friends.

What would it look like for those people to feel supported in the hours and months after a death?

In 2021, the UK Commission on Bereavement asked that question. Actually, they asked several questions. They did surveys and reviewed the literature and held several consultations.

It was in the middle of the pandemic, with an increase in deaths and a decrease in the familiar ways we grieve with other people.

“Bereavement is Everyone’s Business” is their report, released in 2022. Among the wealth of resources, the commission suggests 8 ways in which we can talk about what bereaved people would like to be true, described as “Principles of Change.”

1. I am supported by my family, my friends and the communities around me

2. I am sensitively supported by my school, college or workplace during my bereavement

3. I am well supported before and during the death, and feel confident that the person who died received appropriate and compassionate care

4. The things I must do after a death are simple and straightforward

5. I am compassionately and helpfully supported by those whose job brings them into contact with me through my bereavement

6. I have access to an affordable and meaningful funeral

7. I feel secure in my home and have the right financial support

8. I can easily find and access the right emotional support for my circumstances

These eight items are both aspirational and analytical. They involve individual, private, and public help. Just as a list, they could serve as an assessment. A five-point scale with a bunch of demographic questions would show where groups or parts of the country or parts of the world fall.

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The knowledge that a community, with hospitals and public health officials and churches and employers, has prepared people to respond with “agree or highly agree” would make me feel better for the people in the parking lot, gathering the courage to leave the hospital after this death.

For example, I hope that my coworkers provided care for their loved one and for them. Good medical care, of course, but also orientation about the decisions related to dying, and the emotional support that is needed. I’m confident that my chaplain colleague helped them with the simple, painful step of choosing a funeral home.

I also know, however, that we aren’t the ones who can explain purchasing funeral services, figuring out life insurance, contacting government agencies. And I hope that the people who have those answers are gentle and honest and supportive.

I know that there are some friend groups and employers that will be helpful and supportive. I know that there are many that will not.

Every day people say, “I’ve never done this before.” And in the middle of their grief, they begin. I’d love for us, all together, to be helpful.

I’m curious, of course, whether that list resonates with you. As you read them and you think of your own experiences with death and grief, do those 8 items provide something for us to work toward?

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I’ll keep writing and researching ways to be helpful in loss. And I’ll keep sharing findings here. Not always as answers, because today clearly isn’t a list of answers. However, as you are working to be helpful to those in loss, knowing what people are looking for can be helpful.

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If you’ve never watched my explanation of the Dual Process Model of Coping with Bereavement, please do.

If you want to support this research project, please do.

And I’ll see you in a couple weeks.

Jon