071 - On what to do on holidays

Welcome back (or welcome).

Holidays are tough.

For workaholics and for introverts and for people whose best holiday buddy died less than a year ago.

It might have been a spouse or a best friend or the grandchild who loved sparklers or watermelon or hiding from all the noise. Whoever it was, this day, this holiday, was the day they loved most. And now, since they died, your love for the day has died a little, too.

Oh, but here’s what I know. It could be that your holiday buddy died a decade ago. Or the memory of a holiday moment from childhood reminds you that they are gone.

I don’t have a solution to the pang of grief today.

In truth, you wouldn’t want that solution anyway. Grieving isn’t something to fix.

I can assure you that there isn’t anything wrong with you remembering them fondly and sadly.

Not a thing.

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Years ago, I was with a family shortly before the Fourth of July. We were talking about funeral homes and the person who had just died and memories, as I do with families. They weren’t going to have a funeral. Or a memorial service. Their loved one didn’t want one.

In those moments, I almost always say something like, “That’s fine. But have a picnic and tell stories.”

Before I could say anything, one of the family members said, “But they loved fireworks. So, we’re going to meet out behind the retirement villa. And we’re setting up chairs. And we’re setting off fireworks.”

I think they listed off what they were going to be shooting off, but I wasn’t taking notes. I was touched by the way they were taking care of themselves and their memories.

(While I’m thinking about it, one of my favorite ‘don’t do a funeral’ responses was the family who said, “we’re getting together at the house. Bring a food that was their favorite.”)

Today is July 4^th, which means, in the US, that it’s the Fourth of July. Celebrate how you want. Remember who you want. Weep if you want. I offer you that independence.

But be careful. My coworkers at the hospital would rather not see you.

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Wait. You wanted a list, I bet. So here it is.

Nine things to help grieving people on a non-somber or non-spiritual holiday.

1. In a recent Canadian survey about bereavement, 83% of grieving people said that being asked about their loss is helpful. So ask your friend how they are feeling about the holiday as they are missing their holiday buddy. AND DON’T ANSWER THE QUESTION FOR THEM.

2. And 93% said being asked how they could be best supported would be helpful. So ask your friend how you can support them. AND DON’T ANSWER THE QUESTION FOR THEM.

3. If you are a grilling family and the person who ran the grill died 6 months ago, someone consider learning how to burn the hot dogs the way they did.

4. If you are gathering anyway and you are “moment of silence” people, have a moment of silence.

5. If you all get in trouble if you drink too much as a group and say things you regret, consider not drinking too much.

6. Don’t make grieving introverts go to parties by saying, “you just need to be around people.” Particularly if the person who died was the one who protected them in - and from - groups.

7. Missing a gathering for a year doesn’t mean you will always miss the gathering. It may mean you have a headache this year. Or a heart ache. The latter should be as acceptable a reason as the former.

8. Ask more often than assuming.

9. Remember that there aren’t lists and there aren’t rules. There are people who are grieving the death of a person. And it’s helpful to respond as a person.

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Thanks for taking some time to read today.

I heard last week from some people in a grief group that This is Hard: What I Say When Loved Ones Die is a useful book to for grieving people to read and to share. I was grateful to be helpful to them and to others. Check it out.

And I’ll see you next week.

Jon