089 - Gifts and support for the holidays

Sent on Thanksgiving evening. You are welcome.

Welcome back to an evening edition of “Finding Words in Hard Times.”

Thanks for being on the other side of this keyboard and screen.

On Thanksgiving morning in the US, we may not need more to read. By evening, as we are looking for distractions or preparing for the gift season or just scrolling, you may be interested in figuring out how to offer support and gifts in the next month.

Here’s what I have for you:

• Five things to prepare for the holidays as a grieving person (from Clarissa Moll)

• Gifts for grieving people (from Christine Vaughan Davies)

• Give someone this newsletter

• Take a breath.

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Five things to prepare for the holidays as a grieving person

Clarissa Moll wrote one of the helpful books on grief after the death of a spouse. I point people to her podcast conversations as well.

In “Entering the gauntlet,” Clarissa offers five suggestions people who are grieving in the holidays.

Before Rob died, I used to love November. I’d turn on the radio station as soon as they switched over to “All Christmas All The Time.” I made cutout cookies with my kids, letting them decorate in garish colors and designs to their hearts’ delight. I loved Advent, the season of waiting and anticipation and beginning the church’s greatest story.

And then death arrived, and every November announced my least favorite season of all. Suddenly, in ways I’d never realized, the holidays meant a kind of togetherness I could no longer access, a kind of joy now snuffed out by sorrow. Rob and I had never been big on holiday traditions, but now I couldn’t even walk into Target without feeling the ache of sadness rise up inside my chest.

. . .

Over the last five years, I’ve slowly rebuilt a love for November. It’s been hard-won, a love that acknowledges the complexity of deep grief alongside the very real joy of a Christchild in a manger. I’ve come to see that acknowledging Rob at the holidays allows me an intimacy of remembrance that, while bittersweet, keeps me close to him in a season where he feels so far away. As I reflect on what I’ve learned, here are five things I’d encourage you to consider as you look ahead to your own gauntlet of holidays. There is no fool-proof or perfect way to face the days that lie ahead, but you too can build rhythms that support and comfort you as you face the holidays without your person.

If you are helping people in grief, this will help you be more helpful.

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Gifts for grieving people

Christine Vaughan Davies is a hospital chaplain who I’ve been reading for a bit. This list of twelve gifts for grieving people is thoughtful and helpful. 

Here’s the first suggestion: Errand Running.

When people are going through something major, many well-meaning friends call/text with “Let me know if I can do anything” or “What can I do?” As thoughtful as this act may be, I don’t recommend it. It puts the onus on the one suffering to think of what they need and ask for it. In a crisis, people are overwhelmed and may not know what they need, let alone organize a way of asking for it.

Instead, I suggest coming up with two logistical things that you could offer and have the person pick one. Text and say “I can walk your dog or take your kids for an afternoon or both. Which would you prefer?” They might say “Both.” Or they could respond, “Thanks we are covered on that front, but if you could mow the lawn, that’d be great.” Get specific with what you can do that might help. Also, don’t get offended if you don’t hear back. If people are in the eye of the storm, they could be inundated by these non-specific inquiries. Simply follow up later on with something else on the list.

So you see that these gifts may take your time or attention or intention. But if you want to be actually helpful, look at this.

And, in case you missed this handout a year ago, here are Thirty-one things to say and do to help someone when their loved one has died (other than sending flowers.)

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Give someone this newsletter

Actually, this newsletter is free so giving it won’t cost you anything other than credibility. But if “Finding Words in Hard Times” has been helpful to you, I’d love to have you share it with someone else.

Of course, if you are considering helping with this project, read this story about what your support means to me.

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Take a breath.

Maybe it’s just me. But in case it isn’t, I’ll go first.

I used to hear, “work expands to fill the available time.” If we have an hour for a task, we do it in an hour. If we have a day for the same task, it takes a day.

For some of us, it’s not just that the work expands to the available time, the anxiety about the work expands to fill everything. Every gap, every cranny, every waking moment.

And when people talk about gratitude, I think, “But that doesn’t get the work done.” I’m grateful, yes, but the list is long and the opportunities for things to go bad is longer.

On this evening of Thanksgiving (in the US), I am aware that there are things going wrong. People get sick and die even on holidays. But at this moment, you aren’t so distracted by something tragic that you can’t read. And you are reading a newsletter about being helpful. I’m grateful for both of those. And I’m grateful for your eyes and heart.

So let us breath together. For a couple minutes.

And schedule our next worry for 12 hours from now, or longer.

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Thanks for being there.

See you next week.

Jon

(The photo is by Hope Swanson Smith, taken at a presentation a few years back.)