136 - FAQ on learning to talk with grieving people

Because who doesn't like Q and A? At least outside of school.

Welcome back!

A group of church people have been learning how to be helpful to people going through hard times, including grief. I’ve been contributing, by video, some of what I’ve learned. Their leader asked them some questions now that they are most of the way through the course.

I wanted to share some of the questions and some answers we’re giving them.

FAQ on learning to talk with grieving people.

Q. I used to tell people that I was sorry for their loss. Now I’m hearing new things to say, like “this is hard.” And I’m hearing that some of the things I used to say aren’t helpful.

What am I supposed to do?

A. This is a great question. And, true confession, just the other day I messaged a friend and said, “I’m sorry.” But I meant it. I’m sorry he’s going through this and I’m sorry that the last couple years were so hard on his mom.

I do have some ways to refine what we say.

First, think about why some of the things we say aren’t helpful. If we think about our automatic words, we can understand why they can hurt, and we’ll choose to learn new words to say and when to not say them.

Second, listen to what people do want. They want us to acknowledge that someone died and that it hurts. They want us to acknowledge that there aren’t simple answers and fixes. They want to tell stories and to hear stories about their person. They want us to be with them, not talk at them.

Third, resolve to not make them care for your pain in the middle of theirs.

Fourth, practice listening, talking slowly, leaving spaces, and saying the things you want to say. Literally, practice. Out loud.

Q. But I wish I knew how to start talking with someone who just had their person die. You teach speech. How do I start?

A. There actually aren’t any rules. Because there are no perfect things to say, and if we try too hard, we get all messed up. Because then we’re memorizing a speech rather than having a conversation.

That said, saying “hi” is a really great place to start. And making eye contact. And shaking hands or giving a fist bump.

And then saying, “I heard.” So they don’t have to try to figure out whether you know what happened. And then listen to what they say and respond.

Not necessarily answer but respond.

Q. But what if they ask really big questions, like “Why did God kill my mom” or “I wish I hadn’t hollered at him the last time I saw him” or “Why didn’t they tell me”.

A. That’s why I said respond, rather than answer. Because sometimes you get questions that aren’t a question that they want answered.

For example, imagine someone asks you a “why” question. Like “why did this happen?” You could say, “everyone dies.” Not helpful.

You could say, “Because they ignored what the doctor has been telling them for ten years.” Not helpful.

You could say, “Because God” and start into a theological or philosophical question about the meaning of pain or the problem of evil or the hope of the resurrection. Not helpful.

You could say, “I don’t know. This is really hard.” Which is likely to be helpful.

Because they aren’t wanting an answer. They want to be safe to say hard, unfiltered, crushed-soul words. And if you allow the words, you’ll get to stay in their conversations.

Q. But I feel so inadequate.

A. I do, too. Every day.

How can we possibly think we are adequate to fix anything in those holy moments when one person’s breath stops, and someone else’s keeps going?

So, the standard for talking is never “being adequate”. The standard is being present, being prepared to feel helpless, being prepared to not have the answers, being prepared to believe that withness is adequate.

The work of supporting grieving people is about tiny moments, small meals, simple texts, and brief eye contacts that happen for a long time. A hundred hours across five years is often more helpful than a thousand dollars’ worth of flower arrangements. (I don’t know. I couldn’t come up with a good comparison. The point is that remembering again and again and again helps.)

Q. So are you saying that not having all the answers to help people can still be helpful?

A. Yep. But you have to show up to tell them you don’t know the answers.

Thanks for sharing and for caring and for supporting this work.

See you next week.

Jon