Oh my.

I realized this week that I've sent you 6500 words since I started this newsletter on February 3.

That's a bunch of words. More words than in all of Ben’s board books combined.

I'm guessing that if you are like me, you are skimming the beginning, and then filing them away to look at later if you need to.

I get that.

So I'm going to try something for the next few weeks.

I'll give you a clearer opening to say what's included in the newsletter.
I'll include a set of links every month or so that will help you find past articles and downloads. (Like an index)
I’ll keep writing.

So, sound good?

In this issue, four things.

A set of suggestions for what to say and do when your best connection is social media. (download it)
An update on the friends survey (A link to the survey)
A request for feedback on an online grief packet. (A link to the packet)
An index of what we've covered so far.

Thanks for reading and subscribing and sharing and replying.

Let me know how I can help you be helpful.

Jon

Support this writing and research.

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Do you ever wonder what to say when you learn via social media that someone’s loved one has died?

It’s a Facebook update. It’s a tweet. It may even be on Instagram:

“It’s with deep sadness that I have to say that after a [long battle, short illness, sudden event], my [mom, son, grandpa, best friend] has [passed, died, left us].”

Sometimes there are a few other details or comments about arrangements or requests for tributes.

I wonder. (Even though I literally wrote a book on this.)

But when you see in social media that there has been a death, what do we say?

You know, as well as I know, that there are many responses that are not helpful. Comments about how we recovered from a similar loss so they should be fine. Observations on how this should feel. Questions about details of the death. Observations about what this should teach other people about how to behave.

This week, Jon Acuff said, “The best time to offer advice or accountability is when someone asks for it. The worst time is any other time.”

I’m assuming that you are not wanting to learn ways to be rude. (You wouldn’t be among the readers of this newsletter.)

Instead, like me, you are wanting to figure out the best way to be supportive to the person who has posted, to the friends and family facing this loss. Drawing on some of my experience and training and observation, I’d like to suggest a way forward.

1. Know your reason for responding.

Why do you want to say something? Why do you have to say anything?

Social media invites comment. Social media creates in our brains a tiny bit of guilt: Now that we know about this loss, we have the responsibility to comment.

But a piece of information doesn’t demand an immediate reaction. It invites a response.

What’s actually happening, in part, is that the social media platform is creating a perceived vacuum which can mask the actual vacuum in a friend’s life. And the click on social may make us think we’ve done all we need to.

What many of us know is that in times of loss, we want quiet presence more than words, or we want supper more than presence, or we want financial help with the funeral costs more than flowers, or we simply don’t know what we want.

We would benefit from more than a click.

Consider why you have to click “like” or “heart”. Is it for them or for Facebook?

Start with the purpose, not the platform.

2. Decide what message you want to convey.

Maybe you want to let them know that you see them, that you know there is loss. Maybe you want to provide logistical support. Maybe you want to let them know you’ll follow up in a couple weeks.

You can say, “I’m guessing that this hurts. I wish I was there to be quiet. SO, I’ll be quiet here.”
You can say, “I bet that your dad was so proud of you.”
You can say, "I'll take care of the driveway."
You can say, “I love you.”

When you think for a moment, you know what kinds of things you want to say, based on how you connect with this person. You're ready to move to step three.

3. Consider the best medium, the best platform, for that message to that person.

It could be commenting in the comment field on their post. I do that sometimes. But I also am horrible at offering personal words in a group or a public space. I want to talk specifically to them.

There may be other ways.

You could shoot a little video clip and share it with them a few days after the funeral, offering your own tribute to their loved on.
You could send them an email that is mostly blank and says, “This space is intentionally left silent with you.”
You could send them an actual physical card.
You could send them a direct message or a text.
You could show up physically.

Once we know there are options, we can connect our message to the most helpful way (or ways) of connecting.

(TIP: Whatever the message and the media, you also have the option of saying, "Don't worry about responding to this. I just want you to know that I know." There is great freedom in not feeling obligated to respond.)

4. Consider timing, but not so much you never respond.

Here’s a confession. I sometimes get so caught up in sorting through the best thing to do that I don’t do anything right away. And then, because I’ve taken so long, I don’t do anything.

But I’m increasingly aware that sometime is better than never. I recently wrote to the family of a relative on mine, acknowledging that I had been a terrible correspondent, particularly not following up after hearing about a difficult time. I heard back, “Be at peace. He wouldn’t want you wasting your energy on regretting."

Don't get consumed by fear of doing it wrong. Respond.

Say something helpful for great reasons in a medium that's comfortable for you and your friend.

Then, remember to be helpful.

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Here's another confession. I'm guessing that among the people reading this right now are people who I haven't responded to. And you are too polite to say, "Jon. You say all this, but you missed me."

I'm sorry.

Download this article as a PDF

When a friend dies

It happened again here in northeastern Indiana when a state trooper died this week. It is a news story. But everywhere I turn, I know people who knew him, who know his family.

I want to know what to say and do to be helpful. That’s why I created a survey asking some questions about the experience of losing a friend.

One of the questions is, “What do you wish people had said or done.” And a couple responses tell me that I want to keep exploring this question.

“For me or anyone around me to realize how depressed I became after her death. It really affected me more emotionally than I realized at the time.”
“An acknowledgement of the loss. We had been friends for almost 50 years. She was the only person outside of my family who had known all the stages of my life. I was taken aback by how much I was (still) grieving. I would also welcome words which would help to explain my feelings. Our culture doesn't have language for the loss of a friend.”

If you’ve experienced the death of a friend and are willing to spend about 10 minutes answering some questions, we would all be grateful.

Survey: Being helpful in the loss of a friend

Take Friend Loss Survey

An online grief packet.

I love to point people to simple, helpful resources. And I want to build resources that you can point people toward, too.

In our health system, chaplains talk with next of kin after every death, to offer support, to complete paperwork, and to provide grief resources. We give the next of kin a grief packet.

I’m building an online version of a grief packet and I’m open to feedback.

Review the online grief packet

Index to resources from this newsletter

Thank you for reading Finding Words in Hard Times - with Jon Swanson. This post is public so feel free to share it.

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007 - Grief support using social media…