074 - A story about making plans
Funeral arrangements, book bundles, and wondering what you are wondering.
Welcome back (or welcome)!
Three items this week:
A story about people making funeral arrangements.
Bundles of This is Hard
And is this question yours, too? “Have you written anything about GenX and how many of us are currently and soon to be navigating end of life for our parents?
What making arrangements looks like.
Last week, I wrote about picking a funeral home. I invited you to let us know which one you have chosen. You didn’t.
But I got this delightful email from Rev. Joan Stewart, a pastor in West Virginia who has often taught me about pastoral care in an aging congregation.
I got a call from an 85 and 90 year old couple in our church. They wanted to inform me they had met with the people to donate their bodies to the university. She said they told her to call their pastor NOW so in the event of an emergency she/he would know. She went on to tell me how they wanted a memorial service right away as opposed to months or years when the remains would be returned.
I was so impressed with the thoroughness of the university agent that walked them through the planning. They had already attended our “Get your ducks in a row” class on planning your own funeral so she said they were ready to go when ever it happened.
I asked that it not be next week please because we have VBS….
Some observations.
The couple is being proactive for each other and for those around.
There are options other than burial/cremation. But, as I mentioned last week, donating your remains takes planning.
This congregation is willing to talk about planning. The idea of a “getting your death ducks in a row” class is amazing.
This pastor provides pastoral care.
Thanks to Joan for sharing the story AND for caring for these people.
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Getting multiple copies of This is Hard.
You can get 20 copies of my book, This is Hard: What I Say When Loved Ones Die, for $100, including shipping direct to you, inside the US. This is less than the cover price of $6.99.
Order here: This is Hard 20-book Bundle.
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What do we do when the generation older than us dies?
A month ago, a friend texted me.
“Have you written anything about GenX and how many of us are currently and soon to be navigating end of life for our parents? I probably have 5 conversations a week with different people about this. Kind of hit a lot of us out of nowhere.”
I have those conversations every week as well. I talk to people the ages of my friend and of our kids. Yesterday, I was telling a guy that he’d done everything he could as we stood by the fragile health of his dad. This week I talked to siblings and spouses and adult children, navigating conversations and decisions.
In some cases, the decedent (as we say), the mom or dad or aunt or daughter, had been willing to talk about death and the aftermath. Funeral home decisions had been made. Advance directives have appointed a healthcare agent, one person to act as the representative of the person’s wishes.
Often, however, no one has talked about these things.
And often I hear, “I’ve never had to do this.” And recently, I’ve talked with a couple people who are the only child and are dealing with everything themselves.
I’m working on a response to my friend (and to you). But I’m curious. Does this question about preparing for the dying and death of your parents resonate?
Thanks for thinking with me.
I’m grateful for the questions and the comments and the shares and the support.
See you next week.
Jon
Hi Jon, Your previous article about funeral arrangements did spur me to take action. Several years ago ( a couple of decades) my wife and I did the preplanning and actually bought the insurance plan to pay for it. After it was paid in full the funeral home contacted me and tried to sell me more because they said the prices had gone up and the policy wasn't going to cover it.
In the meantime, I met the owners of another funeral home that I liked better and when this came up, I checked and found out that our policy could be transferred to them. But I never did that until your article and that prompted me to get it done. Turns out it will not cost us anymore than we've paid and now we're with a place we like. Thanks for the nudge.
Hi Jon,
First thanks so much for your helpful posts. I share with two dear friends whom both serve folks. One in a hospital setting the other in hospice. They have have found your posts and book very good resources.
I'm baby-boomer, sadly my folks never shared anything with us five kids. No finance, setting a budget or making plans for end of life. Like it was too difficult of a job. We were forced into dealing with funeral arrangements with the sudden unexpected passing of our Dad. Helping Mom at a terrible time. Three years after this I lost my oldest daughter in a sudden tragic way. She had a family but no will or last wishes. Again, the worst time possible in a grieving person's life. Our Mom will be 90, Lord willing but finds it all to stressful to plan ahead. Her few children will step up to deal with. So hard and sad.
My husband and I on the other hand have all our plans decided upon and all paperwork filed and in order. We want to be a blessing like his folks were to us, leaving us with minimal things to deal with.
Don't leave things to your children, make the plans and know you have covered the necessary. Now you can even leave your car to someone, check your bank accounts for POD. Forget where I read but, We can only do our giving when we are alive (knowing where it's going) after we pass that blessing will go to someone else. Good advice!
Blessing, Kate