126 - What if we don't know what we think we know?
Being helpful in loss means understanding the research.
Welcome back! (Or welcome!)
I’ve got two resources for you this week.
First, there’s a lot we think we know about grief research that isn’t true. I want to teach you a bit about that (and give you some results from the survey we did back in April.)
Second, I got to give a eulogy to a friend several years before he died. It may be helpful for you.
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What do we know about what is known about grief and grieving people?
Most of the people who care for grieving people know, for example, that this statement isn’t true: “The process of grief can be expected to progress through a predictable series of stages, starting with denial and ending with acceptance.”
But it would be nice to know what people actually believe.
Jacob Sawyer and a couple colleagues wanted to find out. So they asked some therapy professionals. And, of course, some regular people.1
When asked, true or false, “The process of grief can be expected to progress through a predictable series of stages, starting with denial and ending with acceptance.,” 56% of the mental health professionals said that statement is true. 69% of the general public respondents said that the statement is true.
The statement is false.
Even Kubler-Ross wrote, “They are tools to help us frame and identify what we may be feeling. But they are not stops on some linear timeline in grief. Not everyone goes through all of them or goes in a prescribed order.” 72
But why worry about this?
Because a majority of people get their support from friends and family. And if family and friends are trying to get people into a package, we will all be frustrated.
So Sawyer asked college students the same question about stages of grief.3 And I asked the readers of this newsletter and my other newsletter.
66% of college students surveyed thought that research supported stages. And 37% of you.
So. In three surveys, here’s who thinks that research says that there are five predictable, linear, stages of grief.
1 in 3 of you.
1 in 2 of mental health professionals.
2 in 3 of the general public and of college students.
And most of those people actually KNOW that’s not how it works. At least the one’s who have experienced the death of someone they care about.
Sawyer et. al. and Sawyer and I asked about 11 more research findings.
We all asked whether older people are usually more anxious about death than younger people.
They aren't.
62% of you, 71% of professionals knew this. But nearly half of the general population and of college students thought older people were more anxious.
Being mistaken matters.
If you are older and think younger people couldn’t possibly feel more anxious, you won’t offer understanding. If you are younger and think that what you feel is abnormal, you are going to be stressed by the grief AND by being an outlier.
We all asked if this is true or false: About 20-30% of people who have experienced the death of a loved one will have intense grief that impacts daily functioning for much longer than would be expected.
It’s false.
This is the question about complicated grief, right? But we can't phrase it that way.
The actual answer is that about 10% of people have that kind of grief. In several surveys and studies, research shows that 1 in 10 people need clinical kinds of help with their grieving.
But most people think that it's 1 in 5 people. Or 1 in 4. Or even 1 in 3.
93% of my readers are overestimating complicated grief.
85% of mental health professionals.
93% percent of general population.
91% of college students.
If we understand that most people are having a hard, but non-clinical time, it can help normalize grieving. Because this IS hard. No question. But most often, it's not that we are in need of clinical help, it's that we are human.
And, as I’ve shared before, a Canadian study of 4,000 people found4:
Half of the people who responded to the survey indicated that they didn't feel adequately supported in their grief. More than half felt their grief wasn't recognized. A quarter of people didn't seek support, including people who felt like they should deal with it on their own, felt uncomfortable sharing, or assumed their grief wouldn't be understood.
When they asked what would be helpful, 83% said that being asked about their loss is helpful.
And 93% said being asked how they could be best supported would be helpful.
The most helpful support comes from family and friends and other informal sources.
I’ll talk more about the research awareness gap again. It’s part of grief literacy, a deep concern of mine.
But for now, that’s enough to get you thinking.
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Talking to Kent about being a chaplain.
I talked a few posts back about kinds of grief writing. I included eulogies in that list. Literally, “good words.”
My friend Kent died last week.
Several years ago, I had the opportunity to give a message for his ordination. He’d been credentialed to be a minister, but because he was a chaplain, not a pastor, he hadn’t been ordained. We resolved that.
As I read through my message for Kent from 2018, I realized that I’d been given the opportunity to offer him a eulogy before he died, while he still had a few years to live.
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Thanks for the support!
Thanks for reading these weekly posts. I’m grateful (hopeful) they are helpful.
And thanks for the coffee and the comments and the sharing.
See you next week.
Jon
Sawyer, J. S., Wilner, L. L., & Ertl, M. M. (2021). Grief and bereavement beliefs among U. S. mental health professionals and the general public. Death Studies, 46(10), 2346–2353. https://doi.org/10.1080/07481187.2021.1944399
On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler. NY: Scribner, 2005.
Sawyer, J. S. (2024). Grief and bereavement beliefs and their associations with death anxiety and complicated grief in a U.S. college student sample. Death Studies, 1–12. https://doi.org/10.1080/07481187.2024.2349933
Canadian Grief Alliance CGA Update: The results from Canada's largest grief survey are in! (mailchi.mp). Accessed 8/29/2025.