075 - A visit is probably a good idea.

Welcome back (or welcome)!

Three items this week:

• Should I visit someone who is sick

• Some suggestions for visiting

• What other people said about planning for end of life

Should I stay or should I go (to visit a dying friend).

Jeremy asked me the other day whether he should go visit an old friend. The friend is sick. The friend might be dying.

Jeremy and his friend haven’t had much contact in recent years. Back in the day, they worked together. They respected each other. They are in a profession with the kind of risk that teaches you to trust each other.

And then, for a few years, they didn’t connect much. And now the friend isn’t well at all.

I understand the question. I’m an introvert. I don’t seek out conversations, at least not in person. I often assume that people would rather not hear from me in unsolicited, in person, ways. (I appreciate the irony of writing several times a week, offering direction, opinion, and explanation. But I always assume that you can choose to not read.)

In Jeremy’s question, I hear the fear of judgment. “Where have you been all this time?” I imagine the person saying. “Now you show up when I’m sick. Where were you when I was well?”

+++

Years ago, I talked about two ways to interpret the question, “What’s the worst that could happen?” Because I visit a hospital Emergency Department regularly, I don’t work hard to find answers about the worst. Stabbings, heart attacks, strokes, accidents are among the worst that can happen. I’ve been talking with someone, walk to the other end of the ED and back, and find her dying. In the last month, I’ve talked with moms after miscarriages, asked adult children for the funeral home for their parents. I’ve heard, “This wasn’t in our plan for today” in several rooms.

I have become adept at catastrophizing. And getting stuck.

So I can imagine Jeremy (or me) thinking, “If I show up after all these years, they might get mad at me and then I’ll be embarrassed and it will be awful and they will be aggravated in their last days and I’ll be shamed.  

But there is another way to approach the question, “What’s the worst that could happen?” We can be honest about what’s likely to happen. We can reach out to the friend or the friend’s family and say, “Is it okay to visit?” If the answer is no, we tried. If the answer is yes, we go.

The worst that could happen isn’t very bad at all. And the best is that a person knows, in the middle of pain, that they weren’t forgotten.

I mean, it’s not like someone died because of our question.

Some suggestions for visits with someone who is seriously ill.

• Ask in advance.

• Don’t overstay.

• Offer support.

• Don’t force, or shy away from, conversations about the illness.

• Don’t expect big speeches or other things you’ve seen in movies.

• Don’t stare at screens or machines or wounds.

• Don’t expect to be entertained, or to be regarded as a hero for making the time in your busy schedule.

• Don’t ask whether they’ve tried everything, including the thing you read about on the internet last week that “doctors don’t know about but will fix everything.”

• If you decide to take a gift, make sure it’s not a burden. Flowers and balloons may not be allowed in the hospital room. A gas card (for travel back and forth), a hotel card (to help out of town guests), or a delivery of desserts for the nurses may be helpful.

• Respect the hospital staff and the hospital policies.

• Remind the patient and the family of the nature of your connection. Sometimes people who are sick don’t remember things.

• Be willing to shut up.

• Don’t think in terms of “last visit” and “saying goodbye”. Do think in terms of “good visit.” Do think in terms of letting them know you care about and for them.

What have you found helpful when you’ve been visited when seriously ill?

Read what others are saying

Last week, I asked about funeral homes and end of life arrangements. A couple of the comments were really helpful.

Getting multiple copies of This is Hard.

You can get 20 copies of my book, This is Hard: What I Say When Loved Ones Die, for $100, including shipping direct to you, inside the US. This is less than the cover price of $6.99.

Order here: This is Hard 20-book Bundle.

Cordially,

The photo is me and a former student and current friend, Jeff. We haven’t seen each other for a decade. And he was in town. It was good to catch up. Neither of us are on our death beds.

Thanks for stopping by this week. See you next week.

Jon